Hello Darlings!
And a belated happy new year to you. Did you have a wonderful celebration to ring in 2009? We discussed having a real blow-out on December 31, but someone suggested it might be inappropriate in this economy, so we didn’t do anything out of the ordinary.
First, we rented a tent to hold 500, and then we were able to book a group of itinerant Mexican midget wrestlers who, in turn, were able to lay hands on a barrel of Chihuahuan champagne and a surprisingly substantial cache of homemade fireworks. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but we were determined to make the best of it.
My boyfriend, Brock Bandicoot, took charge of erecting the JumboTron screen in the yard, so that we could all enjoy watching the ball drop in Times Square at midnight. Meanwhile, I got the snow-making machine cranked up so that anyone who desired could spend the evening schussing down our slalom course. Normally, this would have been covered with a 38″ natural base and about 12″ of new powder, but it’s been a dry winter here in Scrub Brush Springs, and the only snow that’s been flying is what we find on the bathroom sink after my attorney, Bobo “Orange Sunshine” Diesel, has been in there.
So, the stage — however modest it may have been — was set for our New Year’s Eve bash at the ranch.
Everything was going quite well until it was time for the fireworks. Apparently it’s not a good idea to store a barrel of Chihuahuan champagne near an open flame.
Well, I’m sure we can rebuild the slalom course. And none of the midgets was seriously hurt.
Also, cousin Vanity, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry the blast blew your pasties off, and I hope you get well soon.
Kisses,
Savannah
Hello Darlings!
I think it’s important to start off each new year by reassessing your priorities and goals. It’s much easier than reassessing my own priorities and goals! And then I enjoy giving each of you an impossibly daunting resolution and watching as you struggle for weeks to live up to my expectations, only to fail abjectly and then be forced to confront the disturbing emotions underlying your psychosocial, pseudoFreudian need for my approval.
What fun we’ll have!
And so, here are my personalized New Year’s resolutions for all 9 of my fans:
- Sharon: You will not drink anymore. Or any less.
- Lee: You fat, uncoordinated honky. You will lose 20 pounds solely through tapdancing.
- Jeanni: In order to develop more patience, you will re-silver 500 used scratch-off lottery tickets. By Valentine’s Day.
- Marty: To learn humility, you will make 52 jello molds (1 per week) and take them to homeless people every Saturday night. Please, no fruity crap. Just jello.
- Dave: You need to loosen up a little bit. Go knock over a liquor store and hightail it to Mexico for a few weeks. But bring me several bottles of Grey Goose first, OK? Gracias.
- Michelle: You’re just a little bit too smug. You can work on that by gaining 40 pounds and restricting your wardrobe choices to housecoats and scuffs.
- Rusty: You’re a dog. You need to resolve to stop licking your balls.
- Jasmine: Your stupidity is annoying. To improve this, you will reverse-engineer a Koenigsegg CCXR and subsequently create one from scrap parts lying around Bobo’s distillery for my use.
- Elizabeth: For God’s sake, stop yelling all the time! For the first 3 months of 2009, you resolve to communicate only through pantomime. Except when phoning the liquor distributor.
I think that should cover it. Happy resolutioning!
Kisses,
Savannah
It’s so good to be back! In the coming days (Elizabeth: weeks, months…maybe years), my underpaid minions will be uploading all of my previous columns, filled with advice you can put to work today to improve your love life! Isn’t it exciting?
I have missed you all so much, and so much has happened to me since I last reached out to you. For example, I learned how to make gin in my bathtub — something more of you may have to learn in light of the economy.
But let’s not talk politics. Let’s hug each other loosely and give each other insincere air kisses like we always used to.
I have missed you, my darlings.
Kisses,
Savannah
