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It is cold up here in Atqasuk, Alaska, at this time of year. As a man living alone, I find it hard to fill the long, dark days. Oh, sure, I do the usual things to fend off the loneliness – playing strip cribbage by myself or writing bad love poetry in the snow when I have to pee.
Sometimes I try to sleep the whole day away, but lately I’ve been disturbed by crazy, recurring dreams. In one of them I am an engineer on a train that is approaching a dark tunnel surrounded by glistening bushes. My train speeds endlessly toward the tunnel, never reaching it. Eventually I wake up in a cold sweat, head to my medicine cabinet, and drink Listerine® until I temporarily go blind.
What can all this mean?
The Fourth of July is rapidly approaching, and every year my family – along with all other True Patriots – take part in the traditional holiday-themed activities of consuming excessive amounts of cheap domestic beer and blowing our thumbs off with illegal fireworks.
This year, however, I will be bringing my nine-month-old son to our family festivities for the first time, and I want to be sure I choose age-appropriate activities for him. So please advise: what is the appropriate amount of beer to give a nine-month-old?