Bad Gay Valentine’s Poetry

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An iron sits steaming next to a barbell

Illustration (c) 2018 Jordan Jirschele

 

Q. Dear Savannah,

Thanks to marriage equality, I was able to get hitched to the love of my life a couple of years ago. Gareth and I make an amazing couple because our strengths and weaknesses really complement each other. Like, he can bench press 185 pounds, and I can press a cotton shirt to wrinkle-free perfection in less than eight minutes. It’s scary how well-suited we are to each other!

This year, to celebrate our love, I want to pen my own Valentine’s Day poem to Gareth. Can you suggest some eloquent turns of phrase to help me open my heart?

Sincerely,
Kitt, the preppy one

 

A. Dear Kitt,

I think it is absolutely wonderful that all people, regardless of sexual orientation, can get married these days! I have always been a staunch advocate of marrying up – and eventually divorcing up, of course, which is the entire point of the marital contract – and why shouldn’t this apply to the gays, as well?

Yet, at the same time, one doesn’t see as many romantic Valentine’s cards for same-sex couples as one does for the heteros. So here, in the interest of public service, are some poignant and romantic verses you can use to express your undying love to your lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, transsexual, queer, questioning, intersex, asexual, or pansexual partner. #YoureWelcome

From Girls to Girls

“Your hair of honey,

such a remarkable hue.

And your eyes of blue velvet

mesmerize me on cue.

Your red painted lips

speak of bliss to ensue.

You’ve captured my heart,

you lipstick lesbian you.”

 

Or, for something simple and straightforward, yet heartfelt:

“You will always and forever be

my dykon.”

 

From Guys to Guys

“You’re big and strong,

Your hair’s a blond mop,

And I love you, big sexy,

From your bottom to my top.”

 

“When I think about the infinitesimal possibility

of any one person meeting any other person

in this vast world,

I thank the universe

for bringing together

you and

me and

the pride parade

and your tiny rainbow jock.”

 

For Non-Binary Persons to Their Lover

“I eye them shyly

from across the room.

Their tender smile

does not betray

the passion that lies

just

beneath

the surface —

The passion that drives me wild

and made me fall in love with them from

that very

first

glance.

Even though I thought initially

the collective pronoun

meant perhaps

a menage-a-trois

might be forthcoming,

but, no, it wasn’t and

I was glad

because I love them

and them alone

with all my heart.”

So, there you go, Kitt! Wishing you and your LGBTTQQIAAP friends a romantic Valentine’s Day.

Good luck, darling!

Savannah Signature
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