a man in a mukluk riding a gigantic bottle of mouthwash

Dream Interpretation 101

By Savannah / January 18, 2019

Q. Dear Savannah,

It is cold up here in Atqasuk, Alaska, at this time of year. As a man living alone, I find it hard to fill the long, dark days. Oh, sure, I do the usual things to fend off the loneliness – playing strip cribbage by myself or writing bad love poetry in the snow when I have to pee.

Sometimes I try to sleep the whole day away, but lately I’ve been disturbed by crazy, recurring dreams. In one of them I am an engineer on a train that is approaching a dark tunnel surrounded by glistening bushes. My train speeds endlessly toward the tunnel, never reaching it. Eventually I wake up in a cold sweat, head to my medicine cabinet, and drink Listerine® until I temporarily go blind.

What can all this mean?

Sincerely,
Dreamlander

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a plump, bikini-clad woman surrounded by an iceberg while eating

How to Become an Influencer in 2019

By Savannah / January 1, 2019

Q. Dear Savannah,

Every year I resolve to get fit and lose a little weight, but I never stick to it. Last year, for example, I jumped out of bed on New Year’s morning and jogged to the lake to participate in the polar bear plunge, but it turns out you’re not meant to do this in the nude and, anyway, we don’t have a lake.

Despite my good intentions, no matter how hard I try I can’t break free from my lifestyle of getting two dozen Burrito Supremes® delivered by Uber Eats™ ten times a day and washing them down with bottle after bottle of cough syrup. I blame my weight troubles on the fact my mother never breastfed me, and as she told me recently, she’s not about to start now.

I’m desperate for some wise, empathetic life advice, but I’m writing to you instead.

Thanks in advance,

Valerie McMurtry

Pleasantville, IN

(You won’t print my name, will you?)

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Hire Yourself a Last-Minute Groom

By Savannah / January 21, 2001

Editor’s note: Back in the days when Yahoo! ruled internet search and AOL sent a CD to every man, woman, and child in America to entice them “dial up” their internet service, Savannah was dishing “advice” – like this selection […]

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