Q. Dear Savannah,
It is cold up here in Atqasuk, Alaska, at this time of year. As a man living alone, I find it hard to fill the long, dark days. Oh, sure, I do the usual things to fend off the loneliness – playing strip cribbage by myself or writing bad love poetry in the snow when I have to pee.
Sometimes I try to sleep the whole day away, but lately I’ve been disturbed by crazy, recurring dreams. In one of them I am an engineer on a train that is approaching a dark tunnel surrounded by glistening bushes. My train speeds endlessly toward the tunnel, never reaching it. Eventually I wake up in a cold sweat, head to my medicine cabinet, and drink Listerine® until I temporarily go blind.
What can all this mean?
A. Dear Dreamlander,
Many years ago, my dear friend and expert dream interpreter Chablis LaRoca taught me everything I know about how to make sense of the language of sleep. Chablis is possessed of an eerie pipeline to the supernatural. She often drops to the ground without warning, writhing and babbling about the things she’s seeing and hearing “on the other side” after an evening spent guzzling wormwood tea or, in a pinch, Aqua Velva®. Here’s her lesson on Dream Interpretation 101 and what common dream elements mean.
Nudity: This usually represents an issue of nakedness, of feeling naked, of being naked. It could mean you have a gynecology appointment coming up. Or perhaps this dream is saying you’re more overexposed than a Kardashian since you set up that live webcam of your bedroom and need to rein things back in, little pony.
Falling: This probably means you have a drinking problem. Or an inner-ear infection. It could also mean autumn is your favorite time of year. Or that you have an irrational phobia of dead leaves. You may have watched too many episodes of “The Time Tunnel” as a youngster, or perhaps Hitchcock's “Vertigo” really freaked you out.
Teeth falling out: You need immediate dental work. You're a liar and a gossip. In other words: a politician. This dream could also mean there's something rotten in your life, perhaps a piece of side tail who is now threatening to tell your wife.
Flying: This probably means you harbor feelings of being a superhero, of being superior. You think you're above everyone else. You can see everything so clearly, can't you, missy? Miss Harvard MBA. Miss “Mom always liked me better.” Well, Mom is dead now, OK? Do you hear me? And she liked me equally as much as you. I know because she told me so. So you can just take your superiority complex and your seven-figure salary and stick it up your….
As for a train dream? Pretty sure that indicates you need to drink more wormwood tea (or Aqua Velva®), Dreamlander.
Good luck, darling!