Fat Girl’s Guide to Finding Romance

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a flow chart for finding romance

Illustration (c) 2019 Jordan Jirschele

 

[Editor's note: When we broke into Savannah's safe recently, we were surprised to discover 170 cases of No-Doz and a life size velvet painting of her in the nude. We also happened to find this old column – a reader favorite from the archives, originally published on February 22, 2001. Enjoy!]

Q. Dear Savannah,

I am 27 years old, 5’7” tall, and weigh 125 pounds. I’ve only ever had one boyfriend (we broke up after just a few weeks), and I know this is because I’m so obese. Although I’m a (reasonably) attractive brunette, have a master’s degree and a good-paying job, love sports, and have a good sense of humor, men just can’t seem to look beyond my weight problem.

I’ve become very depressed about this, and I wonder: am I destined to be an old maid?

Lonely,
Evelyn in Wyoming

 

A. Savannah Says:

Why, oh why, can’t society accept the fact that not all women can be a perfect size “-2” like Lara Flynn Boyle? My goodness, the aggregate mass of my bones alone is more than Calista Flockhart’s entire body weight. Is it so wrong to be a size 4?

I’m going to assume that you’ve tried to lose the excess weight, dear, but if you haven’t then by all means you must begin soon. It’s very unhealthy to lug around all that extra lard. Your heart could give out any minute! If you simply can’t bring yourself to throw up after every meal (a tried-and-true weight loss method, although the long-term effects include shortening your lifespan significantly), then try snacking on cotton balls to quell those pesky food cravings.

If you’ve tried to lose weight but feel you’re as thin as you’re likely to get, don’t despair. The future may not be as bleak as you picture it. I have a few suggestions on how you might still find happiness.

First, you have to accept the fact that you’re never going to be Miss America. You’re never going to be a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model or a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. And you will never, ever to be that ultimate expression of American womanhood: the Playboy centerfold. Once you’ve accepted this reality, you can move on to a productive life that includes a string of loving and fulfilling relationships. Simply narrow your options and set your sights on more attainable goals. Hone your domestic skills, learn how to discuss the finer points of motor vehicle maintenance, and then simply go to the places where men are available and not too picky. Soon, instead of being depressed, you’ll be aglow with the flush of young love.

The key to your romantic happiness is finding a place where women with your body type are appreciated. Next, you must move there. For example, Ukrainian men revere matronly ladies, so head for eastern Europe! If you’re not quite that large, try Mexico. Those hot-blooded Latinos just love their women to be amply curvaceous! (And, really, would shacking up with a rich resort owner in Puerto Vallarta be so bad?)

If you don’t like the idea of narrowing your search to include only men who like plump women, why not consider moving to a place where women of any kind simply are in short supply? Alaska, Antarctica, and Lapland all spring to mind. In these places, men aren’t going to be overly picky about the physical appearance of the eligible women in the area. They want competent women who can cook, clean, sew, and chop wood. Coming from Wyoming, you probably have experience in all of these areas – experience that would make you a prize filly in the hinterlands!

If all else fails, you might consider moving to Afghanistan. The main advantage to this plan is that you’ll always be covered from head to toe in flowing robes, so your prospective groom won’t know you’re carrying those extra pounds until the wedding night. Other advantages include being escorted everywhere you go, either by your husband or by male members of his family, wearing a burqa veil at all times (freeing you from making difficult wardrobe decisions), and freedom from holding a job. If that doesn’t sound like heaven, what does?

Good luck, dear!

 

 

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