Hire Yourself a Last-Minute Groom

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Editor's note: Back in the days when Yahoo! ruled internet search and AOL sent a CD to every man, woman, and child in America to entice them “dial up” their internet service, Savannah was dishing “advice” – like this selection we pulled from the vault and blew the dust off for your edification. You're welcome.

Q. Dear Savannah,

I’ve been having a marvelous time planning my wedding over the past three months. My dress is a stunning white organza off-the-shoulders number beaded with a ton of Austrian crystals and simulated pearls. My six bridesmaids will be decked out in similarly-styled orchid-colored silk pouf dresses with tiny trains and opera-length gloves. The bridesmaids will carry bouquets of freesia, tiny cream-colored rosebuds, and baby’s breath, while my bouquet will consist of pink roses, rare white “Casablanca” lilies, and trailing greenery. Since the wedding will be an afternoon affair, we’ll be having a formal, seated dinner at the country club to kick off our reception. Our 250 guests will enjoy an open bar and champagne served by strolling waiters. The five-tier cake will boast fresh floral decorations and be fashioned in a waterfall motif. After dinner, we’ll retire to the ballroom, where a local band will provide music for everyone’s dancing pleasure. Then, it’s off to St. Tropez for our honeymoon, where we’ll spend five romantic, sun-drenched days in paradise.

As you can see, I’ve put a lot of care into this, meticulously planning every last detail of this extravaganza. There’s only one thing left that I need to make the whole affair a smashing success: a groom. Any idea where I can get one? The wedding is only 6 weeks away.


Maria in Carmel


A. Savannah Says:

Kudos to you, Maria, for putting together such a splendid wedding package in a mere three months! Goodness, the last time I had a formal wedding, it took me half a year to make the arrangements – and that was just the time spent siphoning cash away from my prior ex-husband’s 401k account without his finding out.

But as to your question: you can find an adequate groom in hundreds of places. It sounds like you’re a woman of some means, so it shouldn’t be too difficult. After all, Madonna practically married her personal trainer, so we’re obviously living in an “anything goes” culture.

Start by checking out the young men who work at your golf club. The caddies will probably be a little too young, but nose around the kitchen and bar areas. Often, the sous-chef and second bartender are reasonably decent fellows. If this lead doesn’t pan out, head to the jewelry store. I’ve known many single jewelry salesmen, they’re all desperate to find a sugar-mama because they’re commission-only. Besides, the perks of their job are luscious! Pick out a wedding ring set, and then try this irresistible pick-up line: “I’m buying these for you to give to me.” The more expensive the set, the better your chance of the line working.

Another strategy is to “hire” yourself a groom, a la Madonna. Perhaps you need a gardener, or a personal trainer, or a handyman, or a pool boy. Perhaps you need someone to design your wine cellar, or cater your bridal shower, or re-tile your bathroom. Remember, Larry Fortensky began as a construction worker. Your “job interviews” will be your screening process. When you find a man who’s handsome, hunky, and not too boring, it’s a simple process of moving him in, sweeping him off his feet, signing the prenuptial agreement, and walking down the aisle. You needn’t be too picky about his intelligence or personal means, because you’ll only be keeping him for a few years at most, anyway.

If all else fails, I offer this final word of advice: rohypnol. The night before your wedding, cruise the bars (preferably airport bars, filled with decent out-of-town businessmen) for an available man. Strike up a conversation to make sure he’s single. Invite him back to your place, and then slip him the famous date-rape drug. By the time he’s lucid enough to realize what’s happened, he’ll be on the beach in St. Tropez with a gorgeous, wealthy woman in a thong bikini (i.e.: you!) What man’s going to file charges over that?

Good luck, darling!


Savannah Signature
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