Q. Dear Savannah,
Every year I resolve to get fit and lose a little weight, but I never stick to it. Last year, for example, I jumped out of bed on New Year’s morning and jogged to the lake to participate in the polar bear plunge, but it turns out you’re not meant to do this in the nude and, anyway, we don’t have a lake.
Despite my good intentions, no matter how hard I try I can’t break free from my lifestyle of getting two dozen Burrito Supremes® delivered by Uber Eats™ ten times a day and washing them down with bottle after bottle of cough syrup. I blame my weight troubles on the fact my mother never breastfed me, and as she told me recently, she’s not about to start now.
I’m desperate for some wise, empathetic life advice, but I’m writing to you instead.
Thanks in advance,
(You won’t print my name, will you?)
A. Dear Valerie,
Thank you for your letter, and let me say it’s good to be back.
I know many of you have missed my sage wisdom while I’ve been away these past 15-years-to-life at the Betty Ford-ish Clinic in Florence, Colorado. I want to thank you for the encouraging cards and notes you sent, which contained heart-warming sentiments like, “Thank God you’ve finally been put away” and “I tried your cotton ball diet and nearly died. I hope you rot in that place.” Your words meant a lot to me.
But now I am back. I have recommitted to my non-alcohol-free lifestyle and am prepared to shame you into living your best life whether you deserve to or not. #YoureWelcome
To answer your question, Valerie: The first resolution you – and everyone – should make this year is to become a member of the Savannah Says Fan Club. It’s free, after all, so why not? And tell all your friends to join, as well.
Valerie, you sound absolutely clueless about the fact you’re clearly “influencer” material. Why, with a little gumption – and several thousand dollars of video equipment you received for free in exchange for your “honest review” – you can inspire millions of young women pursue their dream of a thigh-free lifestyle, just like you.
All you need to do is develop your own diet plan, preferably one that also incorporates a lot of exercise – for example, eating nothing but barracudas you’ve caught with your own, bare hands. Or perhaps you could invent a new weight loss pill whose “proprietary” formula consists of Vivarin™ mixed with liquid nicotine and curcumin — a spice that must be good for you because no one can pronounce it.
The sky’s the limit for you as an influencer in this YouTube age, Valerie, as you document your weight loss journey from chubster to elegantly malnourished internet star! #YouDoYou, darling! Just be sure to vlog you doing you at least nine times a day and post the “unedited” footage to Instagram, making sure to use tricks of lighting and angles to minimize those cellulite dimples the size of Meteor Crater on your buttocks. And don’t forget to tag each video with inspirational hashtags like #QuitBeingFat #SeriouslyYouCowStopShovingPieInYourGob.
You’ll achieve virality the fastest if #YouDoYou in an exceptionally dangerous way – such as concocting your own diet breakfast smoothie out of expired grape juice and crushed hydrocodone tablets – but be careful you do not do you so dangerously that you actually die, because after the funeral the revenue stream turns to dust right along with…you. And where will that leave the heirs and assigns of your six-figure influencer empire?
And if you can’t bring yourself to think quite that big, Valerie, it’s OK to start smaller. I mean, won’t you feel accomplished when December 31 rolls around and you can brag to your friends, “I said I was going to drink a handle of vodka per week this year, and by God I did it!”
Good luck, darling!