Online Dating Tips for Modern Women

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an orange tabby cat looks worried as an angry car looms over it

Illustration (c) 2018 Jordan Jirschele

Q. Dear Savannah,

I’ve been heartbroken since my divorce and honestly wasn’t sure how I would ever be able to cope with this unexpected situation.

However, being a smart, modern woman who reads Goop, I knew I needed to give myself plenty of time to mourn this failed relationship before plunging back into the dating world. After all, I’m not desperate. I have nothing but time to get over my broken marriage. I mean, I’m not one of those feeble women who feels “incomplete” without a man by her side. I have no fears of turning into a cat lady, although I will admit I visited the shelter yesterday and brought home a little orange fluffball I’m calling Mr. Pufnstuf. And I already have a call in to my brother-in-law, Sully, to come over and catify my house by installing three dozen shelves and forty upholstered cat trees to simulate a jungle environment for my adorable widdo fwuff doodle, not to mention we have to draw up plans for the 800 square foot catio addition so Mr. Googoopants – yes! yes, you little stinker! – can enjoy fresh air, sunshine and squirrel stalking without actually being outside, where he might get injured. I think we need a structural engineer and permits for anything that requires concrete footings, but then again it’s all worth it because this wittle furbaby will always love his mama, won’t he? Won’t he, my wittle purr factory? He won’t go tomcatting or run off with the first new fluffy tail that saunters through the neighborhood, wiw hims? Because if him does, him’s liable to get run down in the street and crushed to bloody smithereens under the tires of a white Lexus sedan with its license plate obscured, which would be exactly what that lying, cheating rat…or cat deserves. Oh, sure, they all look so cute at first, with their perfectly groomed fur and penchant for kneading your crotch in the middle of the night, but HIDE A TINY GPS TRACKER UNDER THEIR COLLAR AND DON’T THE CLAWS COME OUT THEN??

Anyway, I have been focusing 100% on getting over my divorce, taking plenty of time to heal and do yoga and meditate, and… I think I’m finally ready to date again! It’s been a good 23 hours since the divorce became final, and I’m starting to feel those wonderful stirrings in my heart. I’m thinking of trying online dating. Do you have any tips? I’ve already set up profiles on Match, Plenty of Fish, eHarmony, Elite Singles, Zoosk, OurTime and OK Cupid. Christian Mingle is not appropriate for me because I’m an anorexic or whatever.

Affectionately,
Karen

A. Dear Karen,

I’m so touched by your letter. It’s not often someone handles divorce with the grace and aplomb that you show here. I say “BRAVA” to you. #slowclap

Let me offer you these online dating tips for modern women. I think the best thing you can do to find new love, Karen, is to cast a wide net. Set up dates with as many men as you can, even those you might normally rule out because they set their online dating profile picture to an image of Sgt. Barry Sadler’s ‘Ballad of the Green Berets’ album cover or used the words “mom” or “mother” or “gun collection” repeatedly in their description.

And if, in his first private message to you, a prospective beau confides, “I probably should tell you I’m not online just to have an affair,” you should find it in your heart to trust him, Karen. After all, we’ve already established you have that beautiful Lexus and its fine tires at your disposal.

Good luck, darling!

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