In the interest of truth and accuracy, we have painstakingly researched public records to compile the following list of the many marriages of Savannah Lawless. In the interest of saving our jobs, we've also included undocumented, and likely spurious, claims of marriage provided by Savannah herself. Feedback, corrections, clarifications, and further proposals of marriage are welcome by e-mail.
Rory Petcock, 1980-82 – Savannah's first documented marriage. Petcock was the founding member and lead singer of the seminal British music group, HUGG, which broke new ground in the crooner metal genre. Tragically, Petcock died of boredom in 1987 while listening to his own compositions.
Edmund Chesterfield, 1983-84 – Savannah's second marriage turned out to be shockingly brief. Chesterfield, heir to the cigarette fortune and 97 years old at the time of his marriage to Savannah, succumbed after a long battle with eczema, probably brought on by his smoking habit. Fortunately, as Chesterfield's sole heir (and, in fact, only surviving relative), Savannah found the financial strength to go on with her life.
Tarara Boomdeeay, 1986-88, 1990-91, 1995-97 – In Boomdeeay, Savannah may well have found her soulmate. Passionately in love, the couple simply could not stand the sight of each other. Hence, after their third wedding, which took place over the telephone, Boomdeeay took up residence in a converted Chilean molybdenum mine, while Savannah occupied a penthouse apartment on the island of Ibiza in the Mediterranean. They talked on the phone daily, but never saw each other. Savannah's heart was broken when Boomdeeay died during follicle implant surgery to reverse his male pattern baldness. Since his demise, Savannah has found his company more agreeable and keeps his ashes in an old gravel quarry just twenty miles from her hacienda.
Prince Hans Adam II von und zu Liechtenstein, 1989 – This short-lived marriage temporarily made Savannah a princess. Until, that is, the monarch of Liechtenstein discovered his American bride was neither chaste nor previously unmarried. The union was annulled after eight days.
Anthony Legit, 1992-93, 1994 – Famous entertainment lawyer Legit tried to jump-start Savannah's career by getting her bit roles in such high-profile infomercials as the “California Car Mop” and the original “Rotato Peeler.” Savannah's performances garnered apathetic reviews, leading to walk-on roles on a variety of movies of the week. Unfortunately, her reputation as a difficult actress and primadonna on the set traveled through the Hollywood gossip vine, and offers started to dry up. Viewing Savannah's lack of success as a professional liability, Legit filed suit for divorce in the fall of 1993. Although the couple briefly reconciled, remarrying for 18 days in 1994, the marriage was doomed. The second divorce was finalized in October of 1995, with Savannah accepting a multi-million dollar settlement in exchange for her promise not to pen a tell-all book.
Undocumented marriages, relationships, liaisons, and engagements that didn't pan out
John Wayne (Marion Michael Morrison) – Savannah claims to have married the screen idol in 1977 and to have been his wife of record at the time of his death in 1979. No evidence exists to substantiate this claim of a secret Mexican marriage. Indeed, the fact Savannah would have been a minor in 1977, coupled with the fact she is documented as having had perfect school attendance during this timeframe, tends to undermine her story.
Elvis Presley – Savannah says she had a fling with the King of Rock ‘n Roll in the spring of 1980. Highly unlikely, since Elvis died in 1977.
Dorothy Stratten – According to Savannah, she and Ms. Stratten had a lesbian relationship off and on throughout 1979. However, since there's no evidence Ms. Stratten was gay, and since Savannah is on-record many times as having said she's not bisexual, we think she's just trying to be trendy.
William Sturgeon Seagram VII – Reliable sources verify Savannah's account that she was engaged to this heir of the distilled spirits empire in 1985. Regrettably, the 80-year-old Mr. Seagram died before their marriage could take place, thus depriving Savannah of her rightful share of the family empire.